My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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