Your mouth is God's brothel.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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