I need to stop coming to work sober
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
