I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
