We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
