Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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