I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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