I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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