I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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