I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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