So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
