she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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