I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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