John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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