holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
