"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
