What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
