i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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