I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
