I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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