OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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