Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
