Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Is Oprah even human
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
