I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
