Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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