6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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