She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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