No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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