just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wakey wakey hands off snakey
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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