Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
