Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
