well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your dad touched me again.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
