"it" just moved
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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