I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
