I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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