He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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