Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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