in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
