Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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