Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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