you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
50% drunk capacity currently
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
