So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
