If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
