Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
