I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
