My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
