I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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