it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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