What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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