Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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