Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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