i need an iv and a liver transplant
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
